Life Beyond! - Relationships

The Conference was so good, it was great

Hi Ho Silver — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 22:41:38 GMT

This is the first chance I have had to write on this site since the conference ended. Oh my gosh, it was so good, it really was great. I know exactly the right people were there and the right speakers were also there.

This morning I was exhausted. I had to deal with such pain last night and went to bed with my heart throbbing with pain. I had a very troubled sleep, but going and attending the program set for today helped. The people who attended were so cool, and the programs were just what I needed. I know I have gained some friends which will last a lifetime. I feel energized, peaceful and happy. Now I am going to find some amazing Texan food and then I am going to hit my bed, filled with peace. Silver

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Chris Brown's Black Out Victim Thinking

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 16:42:43 GMT

Dissociation affects us in so many ways. Chris says he doesn't recall hitting Rhianna. He says he reads what happened and struggles to recognize that it is him that did those things. I wish more people understood that dissociation is not just some freak thing that happens to "sick" people. Its something that we ALL do. But its when our brain gets into victim thinking that we are most likely to lose it. We feel trapped, unable to move, powerless and our brain full of victim thoughts focused only upon our own survival in the moment. Our brain narrows down our awareness and all we can see is our own wounding. Literally we are trapped in a fight for our survival. Awareness of our own actions and the impact they have is lost in our attempt to survive the moment. This is what happened to Chris Brown. Its what happens in the case of all attacks of this kind. Their primal brain takes over and none of their higher brain functioning is in charge. It happens to all of us to a lessor degree when we find ourselves yelling at someone we love, or acting in ways we don't recognize. That is what victim thinking does. It throws us into this primal, out of control place. And, when we have been traumatized in our past, we are more "trigger" sensitive to things that send us into this kind of reactivity. Our old brain is on edge constantly and armed for survival against future perceived threats. I don't know what triggered Chris's primitive brain into taking over that night, I only know that because of his past experience as an actual victim, his brain was hardwired to victim thinking. Without intervention it can happen to any of us.

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Jaycee Dugard's Alter Ego's Victim Thinking

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 21:19:03 GMT

Jaycee Dugard's captors face 29 charges. Jaycee faces a lifetime of sorting through the horrors of her captivity. Apparently the Garrido's referred to Jaycee as "Alyssa" and never let her out of their sight. Jaycee had one child at 14, and another at 18, a result of two out of undoubtedly hundreds of rapes. She lived with this man as her captor, but also experienced him as her primary adult companion for 18 years. In order to survive living with this man, her brain kicked into a series of survival instincts. One of which was to develop a kind of bond with the very man responsible for her imprisonment. To do this, and to accomplish it thoroughly enough for her captor to not just kill her, and for Jaycee to avoid losing her sanity, Jaycee most certainly had to adapt to her new identity as "Alyssa". As victims of this type of abuse, all of us will develop a certain type of victim thinking. She had to think of this man as one would a parent, a husband, or another significant caregiver in her life. He was, after all, all she had. Her attachment to him was an adaptive victim thinking that led to her surviving an ordeal she might not otherwise have survived. I hope her counselors, family, and others around her are aware of how this kind of victim thinking influences our behaviors and our personality. Not unlike Patty Hearst, Jaycee had to become "Alyssa" and bond with Garrido in order to survive the ordeal. But instead of brandishing guns as Patty Hearst did, she brandished religious literature. Jaycee became what her captors needed her to be in order to survive. So what now will become of "Alyssa"? Will Jaycee abandon her and berate her for having feelings for a man who was responsible for stealing 18 years (and more) of her life? Or will she be empathetic to the young girl who did what she had to do to survive? I can only hope that whoever is around Jaycee is wise enough to recognize the phenomena and help her through it.

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Chris Brown's Victim Thinking

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:43:55 GMT

Chris Brown was charged yesterday and CNN managed to get their hands on his Probation Report which indicated he had a history of violent outbursts. Everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon that he is a bad guy that has been acting badly for a long time. Of course, no one can look at the photos of Rhianna and not feel badly about what happened to her. Certainly no one deserves to be "beaten up" as she was by Chris and I would never condone such behavior. But without looking at what was underneath the behavior we are not helping anyone. Chris was sent to "anger therapy" and forbidden to get close to his love, Rhiana, for the next five years. The Judge seriously asked to have him do "labor" for his public service rather than other forms, clearly wanting to "punish" his behavior. What is missing is any kind of awareness of the cyclic patterns that drive this kind of violence. When Chris was growing up he witnessed his mother being beaten and swore, through his child's view of the world, that he would "never" do that to a woman. Yet here he is, tried and convicted. Why? Why does someone who is determined not to act in such a violent way, become a perpetrator? Simply because he doesn't know how to manage it when he is stuck in Victim thinking. Victim thinking means that he feels so helpless and out of control that he honestly thinks and feels as if HE were the victim. In other words, he felt out of control, threatened, and powerless. Any of us, when we feel trapped like that will do whatever we can to regain a sense of control. But if we have, stuck in our unconscious, a mechanism that gives us immediate release from those feelings; we will act on it. In this case, Chris has a pattern locked in his brain that gives him an out. That of course was the violence he saw perpetrated on his mother. His young brain saw that violence as a way out of feeling trapped and out of control. Then,as an adult, when faced with those feelings his automatic reactions took over and Rhiana suffered. When we are stuck in our own righteous indignation at his violent outburst, we too, remain in the victim thinking. We are, like him, attempting to find resolution in control. We ask the police and the judicial system to act as the big man to regain control over this out of control person so that we can feel in control again. Punitive actions as a response to his punitive actions, are what we have been programmed to believe is the correct action. Now I'm not saying he or anyone else should be allowed to run amok. I am saying we need to rethink how we think about and respond to all such acts of violence and instead of reflexively lashing out in a self protective fashion; practice compassion. What do you think? Comment below if you agree, or if you think punitive reactions are appropriate in some cases. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

My parts did what ever it took to save me

Hi Ho Silver — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:41:34 GMT

I have allowed myself to wallow long enough. So I am going to take just the tiniest baby steps now, to get back to my positive way of thinking. They have to be very tiny because I am very tender. Heck, it hurts to be where I am, so I am just going to have to struggle to my feet once again and take charge, so I can get to feeling better because where I have been this week hurts something awful. Isn't there a Oriental Proverb about, "If you fall seven times, get up 8 times". This kind of thinking is what has gotten me so far in my healing. I still need to use it, probably will always have to think in the positive so I can have the best life I can have. So much of my life has been wasted by abuse I received when I was young. Certainly I have not been able to be in joy as a result of it. I think I have figured out I am feeling the feelings my parts held for me all these years. These are the feelings of little kids and they are just fragments of what I should have felt if my Me's had not come in to save me. I have so much pain inside just from these bits of feelings, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had to feel all the pain, see every incidence of abuse from so many people, every day, all thru the day. I know I would have died. No one could have experienced all that and survived. Funny, I always wanted someone to come and save me so many times as a child. No one ever did. I was blind to how my parts each worked to help me in whatever way they could so keep me alive. How very humbling. I am awed and so thankful I had my parts save me from what must have been impossible situations for a cute little girl to be in. I will be forever thankful to them. Today after I write this, I am going to sit with myself and listen or feel how it was for me back then. Then I will hug myself at long last and cry. Every tear washes away another piece of memory, I bet I will fill a bucket tonight. It's time to wash away the bits of memories that are left. My gosh, smile for me, I am washing away most of the gravel of the past abuse out of me, at long last. It has been hard but well worth it. Oh yeah, I am worth it all. I will see you at the conference. Smiling at you, Silver

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Partners have a different role than therapists

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 16:11:15 GMT

Partner’s have an important role in reframing their partner’s past and changing the distortions a young brain used to survive. Partner’s are often there when a Survivor is overwhelmed by their reactions. Only partner’s can provide the new context necessary to change the old, distorted views. This may seem like a daunting, self less, and unforgiving chore. It may be daunting, but it should also be a bit selfish and forgiveness is the point! It is important that you NOT be perfect. This is good since most of us aren’t. Perfection, or at least the belief that doing something better would have changed the outcome, is the enemy. Young brains are constantly trying to see everything in the world as the result of their behavior. It is the only thing they can control. So, when the world hurts to much to bear, the only solution is to be better. It is most important that you are compassionate. You aren’t there to solve their problems for them! Compassion is caring about how they feel. I have this theory that it isn’t the pain of what happened that leaves the horrible scars and overwhelming reactions. It’s that no one seemed to care. You care and they need desperately to know it. I can’t tell you how to use your grown up, adult mind to help them. That’s for the professionals and their special training. Analyzing and dissecting their memories probably won’t help, either. The emotions and thoughts that swirl around traumatic events don’t seem to work right with our grown up brain. It’s like having to load Windows 3.0 to run software programs from the early 90’s. Have you noticed how you can put a laptop to “sleep” and it only takes a few seconds for it to wake up. It is much faster than restarting the computer. That’s because it saved all the memories to a big file on the hard drive. Everything is stored and ready to relaunch just by reading in the file. Traumatic memories, alters, or whatever name you want to use are kind of like that. They are a snapshot of the important parts of your system just before it overloaded and had (in more computer jargon) a core dump. Except that the incredible human brain is thousands of computers all running at once. Those old programs from way back when are still running and sending out alerts. To work with them, you need to work in their environment, in that old operating system from their youth. This is particularly true (warning, more computer jargon) when they go into a kernel panic. (That is the Unix technical term for when the core operating system can’t make sense of the inputs. It’s lost its context and just gives up.)

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

The Other Abuse of Power

Rebecca Lincoln — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 20:58:02 GMT

I was just reading Melody’s post about “Evidence Based” treatment, and it reminds me of the importance of exploring our beliefs around power. For many years, I had an underlying belief that I didn’t want to be like “those” people who abused power. I wanted to be seen as caring and saw power as the opposite of being caring. Clearly, I equated power with force, violence, and misuse. What I didn’t see was that by avoiding recognition of my power I was still misusing power. I underused my power, which is a less recognized abuse of power. Some us have survived years of obvious abuse of power and know the effects of dominate power. All of us have been impacted by decisions of power. From these experiences, you probably have some beliefs about what it means to feel powerful, and even beliefs about the word power. As I’ve been giving presentations around this topic, I am learning that exploring our beliefs about power can be anxiety producing. However, the cost of not exploring these beliefs can hurt us all. We all have times that we are in a position of power: as a parent, teacher, mentor, sibling, therapist, business owner, and the list continues. When we deny our role of power, we lose the ability to take responsibility for our impact and we lose the opportunity to allow our power to be directed by our heart. I look forward to being with you at the Life Beyond Trauma conference in October and joining with you in this journey of claiming our whole selves.

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Soul Mate Distortions

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:32:38 GMT

I have this theory (Of course, it’s those theories formed in a crazy, misunderstood world by our, physically developing brains that support the distortions that …) that we are most comfortable with people that have distortions similar to the ones we cherish. Maybe that means we start out cherishing our partner’s distortions more than them!? It makes sense, doesn’t it? They are most likely to think and choose like we do. They will avoid the same stuff we want to avoid. We are most frightened when our partner does something we didn’t expect and it triggers those old distortions. They no longer feel like our soul mate. In fact, they can become the enemy in an instant. So we choose someone who thinks like we do, with the same distortions.

This is a gift and a curse.

My goal is to see through my distortions so I can make better choices and appreciate the world more. If my partner falls into the same distortion traps that deceive me, then we aren’t likely to change anything. On the other hand, when we discover a distortion in our partner, there’s a good chance we can find it in ourselves. That’s a win because we know where to take a closer look at ourselves. The other huge benefit is we have a special insight into understanding what drives our partner’s distortions. Sometimes we can even address the fears that drive the distortion and begin peeling back the facade that keeps it alive.

It can be life changing!

Of course, if we both fall into the distortion at the same time, there really isn’t anyone around to help us find the truth. That is a curse!

Has this happened to you?

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Hope for You and Your Partner

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 15:20:56 GMT

If you’ve read my earlier blogs, you know I believe most trauma happens when we are young, before our brains are powerful enough to process senseless cruelty. Every year from birth to puberty sees remarkable changes in the kinds of information we can handle and how we process it. Many people want to believe if their partner would just see their experiences rationally, they should be able to “get past” their past and behave “normally.” If you could somehow use your mental perspective from today to see the past differently that would probably help. I don’t think it works that way, though. It’s like trying to tighten a screw with a fork. I mean they just work so differently that you can’t expect it to work very well. Besides, that’s kind of like throwing the baby out with the bath water. All of that stuff IS YOUR PARTNER. It’s just packaged a little different, that’s all. Alright, if you accept relying on their powerful. grown up mind to fix things won’t work, what hope is there? Your partner’s therapists and doctors have all kinds of tools available to them to access the remote workings of the mind. All of them probably work at least some of the time. The professional’s challenge is to do it in the one hour segments of their appointment book. As their partner, you are there when the reactions surface on their own. This is huge. Unlike everyone else, you are there because you want to be with them. It’s not your job or your career. It’s about your partner. There is something about them that you need and want. Many of your partner’s reactive processes will find this attractive. All of them are likely to find it terrifying. That’s right. Somebody that wants them and thinks they are a good thing is so out of synch with how they see the world that they can’t let that in. You will find this maddening. At least at first. And probably later on, too. It’s not easy, but by being there with them during their reactivity, their experience starts to shift from the terror in their brain to the safety of your arms. Don’t get me wrong. You are not your partner’s therapist or doctor, but what you can provide, nobody else in the world can do. And what you get is something nobody else can ever have. Enjoy!

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

The trouble with "Evidence based" Treatment

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 01:55:48 GMT

Today I was very discouraged and angered to hear that the treatment facility which the Veterans Administration sends ALL of their MST (Military Sexual Trauma) survivors to rejected the Life Beyond Trauma's invitation to have their alums and outpatient members attend FOR FREE.

Why? You ask, well, they only support "evidence based" programs.

So what does "evidenced based" really mean?

What "evidence based" is supposed to mean, is that there is "evidence" according to studies that the treatment protocol followed works. According to the head psychiatrist at this facility it includes (she says) Cognitive Therapy such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. In my book there are several problems with this strict interpretation of "evidence based". To start with, whose evidence are you reading? If you do a search on "evidenced based therapy" in Google, the only terms that come up associated it are cognitive behavioral therapy approaches. The art of therapy is over a hundred years old now and there are multiple lines of therapeutic approaches, ALL of which are able to point to research that supports their efficacy. Even Massage therapy and exercise have been researched and "proven" to be effective therapeutic interventions for depression (and with only beneficial side effects).

How does anyone get off saying that the only "evidence based" therapies are the ones grounded in Cognitive approaches?

The developers of those cognitive therapy approaches have done a great job propagating the idea that these approaches somehow have an upper hand over other approaches. They have better press. That's it. Ironically one of the approaches, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy was developed and tested on Borderline Personality Disorder. It works great for that, short term, as do any of the cognitive approaches. Research repeatedly shows that long term approaches to therapy require the development of a healing relationship, and that it makes NO DIFFERENCE what style of therapy is used. The "evidence" is that the efficacy of therapy is totally dependent on the person of the therapist.

In Practice

There are a variety of forms and approaches to therapy being presented throughout the world and all of them have varying degrees of success for different people. What works, long term for you, is not what will work for someone else. Many of my clients have been through strictly cognitive based approaches only to end up back in the hospital or back on substances after "completing" therapy. Mindfulness based approaches, body-mind approaches, energy work, music therapy, art therapy, theophostic therapy, emotional transformation therapy, relationship based therapies, internal family systems therapy... all have fabulous and important value in a persons recovery based on what YOU need. Psychiatric medications are shown to be "evidenced based" and effective as well. But we all know they manipulate their results. Thats really all statistics are good for is "proving" what you want to prove.

Its the Veterans that LOSE

All that said, the veterans at this hospital set up to help survivors of Military Sexual Trauma are losing out. They are being denied even the opportunity to discover what else is out there since this psychiatrist refuses to inform her patients about the conference, and to allow them the chance to attend for free. It makes me very, very sad.

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Why your Trauma Survivor Partner's Grown Up Brain Doesn't Help

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:01:03 GMT

This is number two in my continuing blog for partners of trauma survivors. If our partners could see things clearly, their overwhelming, but unsubstantiated, fears would all just go away. We could live free of there reactivity. I don’t see that happening any time soon, do you? In my last post I talked about how I see the lasting impact of trauma in how it distorts our experience today. I think this is true for all creatures great and small. Painfully, there are many among us who have had senseless and inhumane experiences reinforced so strongly that it’s hard to see how our world view could ever change. Even so, we all know it can. We couldn’t function in our complex social world without assumptions. They help us know what will happen next. Our higher brain is constantly creating a picture of what to expect. It lets us drive cars and carry on fascinating conversations. I think it is what makes humor possible. It is also how our past experiences distort today. I’ve talked before about how our most traumatic experiences occur when we are young, long before our magnificent human brain has completed its nearly 30 year development process. Our brain makes amazing transformations in the kinds of information it can handle in the first 6 years. It evolves more slowly throughout adolescence and the process continues until about 27 years of age. So, your partner’s young, not fully capable minds tried to make sense of things that simply don’t make sense. Survival depended on understanding how to cope. Too often, the only solution was to ignore the craziness. That works. For a while. Even the brightest, most developed human brain could not make sense of that history. But it could add perspective so it knows the difference between that experience and today. Unfortunately I haven’t noticed our grown up brain playing much of a role once our quicker primitive brain has recognized the pattern and made the logical assumptions it learned a long time ago.

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Trauma for Partners of Trauma Survivors

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 03:31:57 GMT

This is a series of blogs on what I think I understand about psychological trauma. It is based on my own experience and research. It is mostly intended to help partners of trauma survivors understand and discover the gifts that await them. I’d love to hear how these ideas sound to you. Trauma, or at least its long term impact, is all about distortions we store away in our brain. The primitive parts of our brain are so much faster than the parts that give us our higher reasoning skills. They often makes decisions for us before our grown up brains have a chance to sort things out. That’s great if you put your hand on a hot stove or a bee stings you. The problem is that primitive brain is, well primitive. It can’t keep up with the complexities handled by our mammalian brain. Our brains go through constant physiological modifications and upgrades from before birth until our late twenties. Most of our trauma happens when we are young and relying on that primitive brain to make sense of things that we know are wrong. So those distortions and our reactions to them are tailor made for our primitive brain to reuse again and again. So, then, it is really simple. All you have to do is tell your partner to fix those distortions and everything will be fine! Please don’t try that at home! In fact that word “fix” makes me pretty angry too (my primitive brain goes into panic mode). I’ve got a lot more to say about this over simplification! Until then, leave a comment and tell me what you think?

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Does the Economy Really Affect Our Sex Life?

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:58:55 GMT

The media is full of human interest pieces on the impact of the recession on our sex lives. It's good that this is being talked about and I'm sure it improves their ratings. I'm just not hearing any helpful suggestions. Telling everyone they need to make time for sex with our partners sounds good but if it was that simple there really wouldn't be a problem. In fact, it should be easier when we don't have a good job competing for our attention. The truth is that there is sex and then their is the great sex we all want. I guess we are all capable of having sex because we are told to, but I don't think that's the kind we want. And if we don't want it, it really shouldn't happen. Sex is intimate adult play time. It's hard to get into a playful mood when so much of what makes us feel good about ourselves is crumbling, or in danger of crumbling, all around us. Great sex is that marvelous time when we feel and act from our souls, from places we can't always respect in our modern lives. Best of all, we do it with someone who accepts and enjoys this part of us. We just can't go there if we aren't sure. It is particularly hard when our partner is an integral part of our lives. If they don't accept us the way we are, then, well, we just don't want to know. Humans are hard on ourselves. We've all been hurt in relationships and we want to avoid that pain more than we want to feel good.

So what can we do for our partner?

Make sure your partner knows you love and respect them even when things aren't looking so good. Understand their panic and balance it with the knowledge that you aren't going anywhere. It isn't just their problem, it's your problem too. Primary bread winners are likely to go into a self-protector role and push every one away. They can't rely on anyone else, particularly when they are so worthless. If your eyes and your actions don't tell them otherwise, you can say goodbye to great sex.

What can you do for yourself?

It is so much easier to be compassionate with someone we admire and want to be with. Particularly in a crisis, it is harder to extend that compassion to ourselves. Be fair with yourself. You know you have always done the best you could manage in each situation. That doesn't mean you always did what someone else might call the "right" thing. It just means you did your best to balance all of the demands placed on you with your own needs. Some choices work out great, some don't. Rarely does it work out the way we think. Accept that and appreciate yourself for doing the best you can. Especially if you have issues around sex because of trauma, or just bad sexual experiences. Recognizing and owning up to our partner that our problem with being sexual with them is about our history and not about them, can go a long way in reviving intimacy.

In Practice

Regardless of your situation, o out of your way to show respect and appreciation for each other. In this tumultuous world, we all need it. And studies have shown that great sex is impossible if you don't feel respected by our partner. We are pulled to it. When we find it, we can feel good about ourselves again. Maybe we can even start to play again.

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Treasure our Buttons!

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:17:51 GMT

I have this theory that we pick mates because they resonate with the little selves that hide in our subconscious. Usually I call them subconscious reactions or programs because that's the obvious impact they have on all of us. Something happens in our world that triggers them and when that happens it expresses itself in our bodies and how we feel. Ignore this at your relationship's peril! I can already hear the responses; "You are wrong! He doesn't really care about what I care about" or "We don't react the same to anything. You are clueless." Think about it, how do you instinctively know how to trigger your partner? Could it be that you have the same buttons? Now imagine two people afraid and in pain with the same buttons. It's amazing that we do as well as we do. The key to a great relationship that frees you to be yourself is slowly making it safe for all those parts of ourselves that we deny. When you can feel that stuff and let them live and breathe in a world filled with your partner's love and acceptance, then they become less reactive. It's not about getting rid of these little encapsulations of you. The goal is to free all of the joy they were afraid to let you feel. Now imagine that instead of learning to push each other's buttons, you learned to treasure them. To welcome them as a beautiful insight into your partner. And an opportunity to heal yourself.

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Not Doing Anything is Traumatic, Too!

Melody Brooke, MA, Conflict Coach, Motivational Speaker — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 14:49:57 GMT

Melody and I presented out Couple's Pleasure Reboot seminar last weekend. I'm still amazed at the impact it has. We believe that most of the problems couples have are trauma related. For example, (and I know, many of you reading this blog will scoff at calling this trauma) males in most societies are deprived of touch starting at about 5 when there mothers start pushing them in to some perverted ideal of what a man should be. In fact, for the rest of their lives, the only touch they are supposed to have is for sex. I don't know which is more traumatic, not being touched or being taught that touch is only for sex. Maybe that is sounding more familiar to some of you with ritual sexual abuse in your history? Touch is only one of the tools we use to uncover the traumatic scars in your romantic partner (and you, too!). Uncovering the wounds is really not very helpful though. In fact, without the rest, its probably destructive. Melody's tools are a powerful tool for rediscovering the person you fell in love with, the one that now tries to protect all the wounds a relationship bumps and bruises. The sad thing is we pick our partners because we believe they will heal and protect those wounds. Some of the simple exercises participants do in the seminar gently expose their partner's pain and the techniques they practice show them how to start changing everything. I feel so good about what we do! To learn more, visit www.http://www.pleasurereboot.com

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

Happy Independence day USA

Hi Ho Silver — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 06:14:30 GMT

Independence day, isn't that what we are all searching for? To be free of our fears and struggles, and the toll the abuse takes on our relationships and the lives of our loved ones? I know I am.

I still have problems with relationships, how about you.

It seems like my relationships currently are the on again, off again kind. I do have to say that is way better than the total isolation I used to live in. Some days no one contacts me, then other days everyone wants a piece of me. How I long for a more stable way of life.

I have come so far, sometimes sliding back wards, so I could take a few more baby steps up the mountain of healing. I still have a ways to go and I know I will do it too. I won't let them win. I will be free of all of the effects of the abuse, I will, I will. How about you?

I don't' know how far off my day of independence is, but with every baby step I take I get closer and closer. It is amazing how those little tiny baby steps add up.

Our country's independence day did not happen over night, our forefathers struggled long and hard against England to be free. Free of tyranny and over taxation. I have struggled against the same things my whole life. Certainly I lived in tyranny when I was being abused and my poor body was over taxed time and time again in a way no child should have to go thru. Oh, yes, I am still fighting the good fight. I I will continue to fight. I will never give up! How about you?

See you at the conference. Smiling at you, Silver

If you would like to contact me, my email is silver@lifebeyond.info

This weblog is sponsored by Melody Brooke and Life Beyond Seminars.

What is Theophostic Prayer Ministry?

Ed Smith — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 23:03:04 GMT

Theophostic Prayer Ministry

Theophostic Prayer is a Christian approach to helping people find complete resolution of the emotional pain associated with trauma and abuse. It was founded by Dr. Ed M. Smith in the mid nineties in the context of helping sexual abuse victims. It is presently being used by mental health professionals, pastors and lay ministers in over 140 countries worldwide with very positive reports. There is continuing research being done to help to establish empirical evidence of its effectiveness. A survey was recently completed taken with over 2800 people as part of a doctoral research. The purpose of the survey was to determine the effectiveness of this approach from the recipients perspective. The outcome was a very favorable response with over 90% reporting that Theophostic Prayer was very helpful.

Some General Thoughts About Theophostic Prayer Ministry (TPM)

(Taken from www.theophostic.com)

TPM assumes that when a person has a negative emotional response in the present, it can almost always be traced back to a belief harbored in an earlier event. In this earlier event a belief was established that is generating a negative emotion in the present. A person's present feelings are generally indicative of what he believes. If a person will focus on the emotion he is feeling during a present tense situation and allow his mind to connect him with its source, he will usually find himself remembering an earlier event that carries the same emotion. This is due to the belief that was harbored in the earlier event is transposing its emotion into the present where the same belief is being applied. A common accusation heard during a marital conflict is "You are just like my father, mother, brother, school teacher, etc..." What is happening here is the lies and their corresponding emotions that were embraced in earlier times are surfacing in the current relationship.

When life happens around us we may become emotionally stirred by what occurs. These lies make up the experiential knowledge we harbor that we learned in the life moment that we have carried forward as a perpetual interpretive grid for understanding and interpreting each new life experience. For example if little Johnny is told repeatedly by his Father, "You are worthless" Johnny may embrace this belief as truth and carry this experiential knowledge forward even in spite of the fact the he later memorizes the verses that says he is loved of God and has great worth in His sight. Johnny may also react defensively every time anyone questions his behavior or criticizes his efforts. The lie "I am worthless" will likely raise its ugly head over and over each time he is reminded of it. Piling more truth on top of this lie may not have much impact. A buried/hidden lie or sin will tend to come back around in due season. Both must be owned and identified and brought to the Lord.

Simultaneously as we are embracing lie-based interpretations through early experience, we are also gathering up logical truth what we are taught, read, memorize and learn from example. This logical truth became the "law" that we will seek to obey and conform our behavior to. However, each time the experiential knowledge is "triggered" the pain of the past comes forward into our present situation and stands in conflict with what we logically know to do. Herein a battle is inevitable.

For example, a man might come home from work and ask his wife in innocent curiosity, what she had done all day and be met with defensive hostility. In this moment the wife is feeling and acting upon what she believes in that moment. Theophostic Prayer Ministry seeks to identify any lie-based thinking that is causing emotional pain in a person's present life and encourage the person to bring this thinking to Christ for His truth perspective.

Struggles Come from Conflicting Beliefs.

Theophostic Prayer Ministry understands our behavior to result from choices we make based both upon what we logically believe to be true and what we experientially believe to be true. If these beliefs are in agreement, we experience peace and calm as we go about everyday life, we find it easy to be led by the Spirit, and we experience the fruit of the Spirit called self-control. If, however, these beliefs are in conflict, we will experience unrest and struggle. The Bible calls this being double-minded (James 1:8) or holding opposing beliefs at the same time. Struggling to act according to what we logically believe (obedience) and against what we experientially believe (lies) is not functioning in Spirit-led self-control but "trying to climb up some other way." Theophostic Prayer Ministry's solution is to own what we experientially believe and discover, identify and expose (confession) this thinking to the Lord to be rescued from this struggle through receiving His truth.

Failure to successfully maintain strict obedience to logical truth we hold happens because a person is often strongly motivated by the way he feels in any given moment. What we feel is a strong motivation in the choices we make moment to moment. When the experiential knowledge (which is the primary source of our emotional state) is contrary to our logical belief we will experience an inner conflict. For example, if I feel very anxious or worried I tend to act this out. TPM believes that strong emotion primarily comes from experiential knowledge (mental information derived from what we have actually experienced) and not from logical truth (data believed as truth but never realized through experience). This experiential knowledge can be lie-based, and when it is, it produces painful emotions such as fear, worry, anxiety, and depression to name a few. Theophostic Prayer Ministry's focus is the renewal of the mind at the experiential level of consciousness. Theophostic Prayer Ministry seeks to expose and dispel the lies producing this pain so people will no longer be double-minded and can walk in the truth more easily.

Emotional Pain is Often Rooted in Lies Harbored in Experience.

Theophostic Prayer Ministry recognizes that the emotional pain one experiences in the present is often coming from a lie contained in an earlier experiential source. If the emotional pain is being generated by a lie rooted in earlier faulty thinking, true release of the emotional pain in the present will not likely occur unless the person is able to identify this falsehood and receive God's perspective.

Can we really put our past behind us?

It is very important that we never allow our past to dictate what we do or do not do in the present tense. Our past is no excuse for our current behavior or choices. We are not victims of our past. However, to say we can just put it all behind us and think that it will just go away, not impact or influence us, and somehow leave us alone is wishful thinking.

The truth is, our past is behind us. It is called memory. The question is what we will do with the memory that we have no option but carry. Those who suggest just putting it behind generally choose to suppress it, deny it, block it out and refuse to allow it to creep into conscious awareness. The problem is, no matter how deep we bury it and even should we forget where it is hidden, it knows where we live and revisits us in our dysfunctions, marital rifts, and through other relational sabotage. All of our present behavior is linked to our thinking. All thought is connected to what we know and have learned. Everything we know we received in experience. All experience is in the past and therefore a memory. This makes cleaning up our memories of lie-based thought a crucial part of what we do if we are to be "transformed (changed) by the renewing of our minds" (Rom. 12:2) Some people pride themselves in their ability to "rise above" their past basing their success in their ability to achieve and perform in spite of their past. This is commendable but it really does little to deal with the lie-based thinking that is held at the core level in their thinking. Our core beliefs remain intact no matter how well we perform. Sometimes our performance is actually the outcome of us running from and avoiding the pain that is held in our past. Not everything we call spiritual is always that.

Putting the past behind us is both practically and neurologically impossible.

Some say we should put the past behind us by not thinking about it any longer and by pressing forward to what lies ahead. It would be great if this was actually possible, but practically and neurologically it cannot be done. If what people mean is just choose to not be influenced by your past and block out any troubling painful memory, then this is simply suppression and denial and not anything spiritual. Every thought in our mind comes from our history. God designed our minds to draw from the historical information stored in our minds. It is designed to work well unless the information is flawed with lies. This is why the mind needs to be renewed. To just not think about it is to live in suppression and denial and to keep the lies we harbor hidden. There is a more profitable solution and that is to own our past, identify the lies that are at the root of the pain and find truth from the Word of God and by listening to the communication of the God’s Spirit.

The past is a wealth of knowledge that has great benefit when it is lie-free. The truth is, all that I have is my past and a tiny moment in time we call the present. Everything that I have in my mind is memory, and every emotion that I feel is connected to some aspect of my thinking, which is based on memory (unless the emotion is due to a bio-chemical problem). To "put my past behind me" in the sense of trying not to think about the past is to fight against how God has created my mind to operate. Putting my past behind me is a program of controlled behavior that is self-reliant and dependent upon my efforts in maintaining it. Anytime self-effort is the power source, defeat is often just around the corner.

Self-effort was never God's solution for overcoming sin that is motivated by lie-based thinking nor is His solution to lie-based thought denial of its existence.
Genuine renewal does not come from building strong logical defenses against the lies, or from embarking on a program of suppressing behavior motivated by lie-based emotions. Just choosing not to think about our past does not provide any long-term solution to our lie-based pain. This emotional pain is coming from the lies in our history, not the history itself. Rather than not think about the memory event, we can choose to identify what it is in the event (the lie) that is causing the problem and find His truth. It is this lie harbored in the memory that is in need of renewal. True release comes from being set free from the lies that motivate sinful behavior. This is why Theophostic Prayer Ministry can be helpful for emotionally wounded people—the process opens the way for the Holy Spirit to replace their lies and pain with truth and peace.

Not All Negative Emotion is Lie-based; Some is Truth-Based

Theophostic Prayer Ministry recognizes that there are some negative emotions that are not lie-based but actually truth-based. Such feelings as disappointment, grief, sadness, regret and anger are often rooted in truth. If you were to ask a survivor of sexual abuse why they may be angry, they might respond with, "Because what he did was wrong!" This would be the truth. However, if what I feel is fear, shame, abandonment, etc., this is lie-based. Theophostic Prayer Ministry sees it as important for a person to find freedom from both lie-based and truth-based emotional pain since we are commanded by the Word of God to "cast all of our burdens on Him" (1 Peter 5:7). However, truth-based emotions are biblically righteous, whereas emotions such as anxiety, worry, fear, and feelings of abandonment are not, since we are told to "Be anxious for nothing" (Phil. 4:6), "fear not" (Matt. 10:31), and to know that He is with us always so we cannot be abandoned (Matt. 28:20), etc. The TPM facilitator is trained to know the difference between lie-based and truth-based emotion and how to deal with each accordingly.

Basic Principles of Theophostic Prayer Ministry

What follows is a concise, but truncated summary of the basic principles of Theophostic Prayer Ministry. These principles are NOT the "how to" for applying the process, but rather the foundational stones that support what is done in a ministry session.

NOTE: This section is a truncated and summarized portion taken from the 2007 edition of the Theophostic Prayer Ministry Basic training Manual. It only contains a small part of the total context from which it was lifted. Please know that you are not getting a full explanation of each of these principles and may come to an inaccurate conclusion without reading the fuller section. You are invited to purchase the Basic training seminar risk free (13 DVD sessions and the Basic Training Manual) . If you are dissatisfied for any reason return it in resalable condition within 30 days for a full refund.

Principle One: Our Present Situation Is Rarely the True Cause of Our Ongoing Emotional Pain

It is easy and even logical for us to believe that our ongoing emotional pain is connected to what is happening in our present situation. However, if we blame our present situation for emotional pain coming from an earlier event, we will be trapped in an irresolvable cycle of distress and defeat. Believing that other people or circumstances are the cause of our emotional upheaval empowers them to control us emotionally until they change. For if it is true that other people or circumstance is the reason I feel bad then I cannot feel different until the person or situation changes.

When we find freedom from the lie-based thinking held in our memories, we will no longer be stirred up by it and can walk in peace. In relationship conflict it is common for each person to assume that the other is causing the pain they feel. Of course, real pain can be caused by others in the present, and this is not an excuse for their poor behavior. Nevertheless, even when another person has acted inappropriately, our emotional response is often out of proportion to the offense because the event triggers lie-based pain. From the outside, much of what we feel from time to time seems not to fit with the current situation. I can recall feeling intense anger one day over another driver rushing in ahead of me and "stealing" my parking place at the shopping center. I might have been justified in being a little annoyed, but I wanted to smash his headlights. What should have been mild irritation was a boiling inner rage. Trying to resolve present conflicts without resolving our historical woundedness will give us only temporary relief; at some point the lies will be triggered again and the pain will resurface. However, if our thinking is renewed with truth, we can redeem the present.

However, if I feel bad because I have sinned; good, I should. Bad feelings should follow
those who are convicted by the Holy Spirit for doing wrongly. If I sin and do not feel bad then there is something wrong.

Principle Two: There Is a "Dual Mental Process" Going On in Each of Us.

When we react negatively to a new experience, it is nearly always because of a prior experience. Our minds are designed to interpret every event with the beliefs we have acquired earlier. Our brains automatically transfer the feelings stored in the memory of an original experience to this present moment. This neurological process of association continually provides input as to how to respond to a current situation based on our response to similar events in the past. This automatic superimposing of past emotional responses onto later situations has great bearing on our behavior, because we tend to act out the way we feel. God has designed our minds to connect current and past events, almost outside of our awareness. A dual mental process is constantly at work in each of us as we associate what is happening currently with what has already occurred, while staying focused on the present moment. Our minds use information from related or similar experiences from our past to make decisions or judgment calls. Without historical data to draw from, we would not know how to respond to our current life situations. For example, if I did not have a "mean dog" experience in my mind and one day a pit bulldog lunged at me, I might pet his head, losing my hand in the process. However, if I remember my poodle snapping at my finger when I was a little boy, a "beware until you know if it's friendly" thought will immediately stir up within me and give me a sense of caution. I use the phrase dual mental process, as opposed to conscious and subconscious, because this process is not actually hidden from our conscious awareness. Although it is not particularly noticed in every day life, we can choose to consciously observe it. I can sit in front of my computer and focus completely on what I am doing, oblivious to the ruckus all around me. However, when I choose to "tune in," I realize that I have at some level been aware of all that is happening, but simply not "noticing" it. The same thing happens for those who drive each day. Have you ever passed through several traffic lights and suddenly realize that you have no conscious memory of them because you were daydreaming? Although you were mentally somewhere else, you were also driving your car. When something occurs in daily life, our minds search through our accumulated memories for similarly perceived experiences and then use them to provide interpretations and emotions so we can respond accordingly. We do not "notice" where the reactive information has come from; we just feel the emotion and come to conclusions based upon our experiential beliefs. This divinely designed mechanism serves us well when our experiences are truth-based. Then we are able to respond with the wisdom that we have learned and with the peace of Christ. We can consciously initiate this process in a ministry session to help people make the connection between their present pain and their lie-based thinking. Once they are willing to let go of their current circumstances and seek the original memory source of their lie-based pain, have them close their eyes in a prayerful state and just feel whatever emotion has been identified. Initially, you want them to focus on the feeling without being concerned with its source. Ministry recipients know where this historical event linked to their emotional pain is located, even if they initially cannot consciously connect with it. However, as we encourage them to "notice" this natural association process, their mind is able to surface the memory linked to their feelings. This is nothing mystical, strange, or New Age; it's a normal, natural process.

Principle Three: People Can Hold Two or More Opposing Beliefs at the Same Time.

Knowing the Scripture is no guarantee of victory in my day-to-day walk. This is because what we believe to be true cognitively and logically may not necessarily match what we believe to be true experientially. Most of the time we don't live our lives based on our logical beliefs, but rather on what we have learned experientially and emotionally. For example, if I truly believe God is my shield and protector, I should never live in fear; if I believe God will supply all my needs, I should never be anxious about finances; and, if I believe God is in control of my life, I would never worry about what might happen to me next. However, if I live in fear, worry and have anxiety, then I believe something contrary to God's Word. What I feel in any given moment indicates what I truly believe at the experiential level. My emotions expose my true core-belief system because I feel what I believe. Furthermore, I may find it very difficult to change my core beliefs simply by choosing to think otherwise, or by adding more logical truth to the mix. The fact is that renewal and transformation is a work of the Holy Spirit.

Principle Four: Feelings Are Important Indicators of Our True Belief.

Some people say that we should just accept the truth by faith and choose to obey it no matter what we feel. They rightly point out that truth is truth regardless of our feelings. However, our feelings give us valuable information. It is normal for us to respond emotionally to life. Just because we say we feel nothing does not mean that we do not have feelings; numbness is merely the refusal to own our feelings. I was emotionally numb for most of my life, but my unacknowledged, deep-rooted feelings still affected everything I did. My decisions, my relationships and my ministry were all shaped by the need to avoid and suppress emotional pain. God gave us feelings for very important and practical reasons. People who discount them are being as nonsensical as saying "deny the nerve endings in your fingers and do not trust them." How silly is that? Of course we take note of the messages our nerve endings send our fingers so that we avoid holding a hot plate too long and being burned. Pain was created by God as a primary warning system to indicate when something is wrong. As with physical pain, when our lie-based pain is triggered, we must learn to respond appropriately rather than looking for a way to block it out or blame others. If we ignore it, we will at some point suffer consequences. Emotions are indicators of what we experientially believe. They do not necessarily indicate the truth, but they reveal our beliefs, true or false. Unless we allow our emotions to expose what we believe and cease trying to suppress and deny them, we are doomed never to change. When truth is experiential, it tends to be coupled with emotion. Emotion flows from belief (whether truth or lies); we feel whatever we believe. God has designed us to feel whatever we hold as truth. If I genuinely believe that I am loved by God, then I should feel loved by God. If I believe that He is the supplier of my needs, then I should feel secure. If I believe that He is coming soon to usher me into eternity, I should feel hopeful. If I feel emotion that is contrary to the truth, then something is wrong. The answer is not to try harder to believe, but rather to discover what runs contrary to His truth and find release from those lies that are producing negative emotion. I have found that this contrary emotion will always be rooted in experiential lie-based thinking. Knowledge without experience is hard to stand on. However, when I know what I know because I have experience to back it up, the ground is much more firm. The Bible says, "Count it all joy when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance, therefore let endurance have its full and final work that you may be complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4 paraphrase).

Principle Five: IF I Believe a Lie the Consequences Will Be Much the Same as if It Were True

Our experiential beliefs dictate our emotional response and status in any given moment, and thus affect our behavior. If we believe something, we will feel corresponding emotion and will tend to make choices based on this condition. These choices can create a perpetual cycle of bondage, giving the enemy a foothold in our lives. If we believe a lie to be true, it will play itself out in our lives as though it were true. This gives lies enormous power to dictate much of our present reality. Our emotional state is a pointer to our true belief system. Even if what we believe is false, it will have much the same outcome as if it were true. If I believe that God abandoned me when I was being abused, hurt or overlooked as a child, then when I am in need later as an adult, I might find that though I have memorized Scripture and choose to believe the truth that God is watching out for me, I still "feel" all alone and unprotected. Some might say that this was simply unbelief. Unbelief is not the absence of belief, but rather holding a belief that is contrary to God's truth. Recognizing these contrary beliefs is an important step towards freedom.

Principle Six: To Be Free of the Lies We Believe, We Must Own Them Rather Than Deny Them

Our natural inclination is to deny that we believe lies and to bury the pain they are producing. If we do this, however, we will maintain a cycle of perpetual defeat in our lives. As long as lies remain embedded in our minds, they will continue to surface as pain every time we are in situations similar to when they were originally implanted. Freedom requires honestly acknowledging our emotional pain and taking responsibility for its corresponding belief. We must choose to lay down our feeble defenses and attempts to project the pain onto others or onto life circumstances before God will release us from what has held us bound. God does not reward pretension. He rewards honesty and humility by making His strength perfect in our weakness. When our negative emotions expose our lie-infested wounds, it provides opportunities for mind renewal. God either allows or orchestrates our surroundings to bring us under pressure, which will expose our true core belief system. It requires little effort to perform at a high level of "spirituality" when things are going well with us. However, when trouble comes, whatever is on the inside comes out. The falsehoods that we believe will express themselves through our emotional state and consequent behavior. If we choose to follow the "smoke trail" of our stirred-up emotions back to their original memory source, we can usually discover the lie-based belief causing the emotional pain. It is here that we can find freedom from the emotional pain produced by these lies, as we receive truth from the Holy Spirit.

Principle Seven: Sinful Behavior Is Often a Vain Attempt to Manage Our Emotional Pain

I believe that many of the sinful choices we make are motivated by vain attempts to manage our emotional pain. It is easier to act out sinfully than to address the reasons we are emotionally stirred up. We feel depressed, angry, stressed, fearful, alone, etc., so we eat when we are not hungry, please ourselves with sex or entertainment, and find other distractions rather than attend to the bad feelings. When our lie-based thinking is triggered, our present situation is flooded with emotions from the past. The stronger the emotion, the more it tends to influence our present behavior. However, as our thinking changes, our life does, too. When our false thinking is divinely replaced with experiential truth, our painful emotions transform into perfect peace, and therefore the temptation to sin becomes much less powerful. When we have negative feelings, we can still try to act appropriately. The problem is that we're not able to do that most of the time (unless, of course, our minds have been genuinely renewed). So, when we feel pain, we usually "act on it" by giving the same back to others, pulling away or ignoring and internalizing the pain – which leads to problems such as self-hate, depression, anxiety, physical illness, and so on. When we act out our triggered emotions in any of these ways, we sin and "fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). A driving force behind most addictions, if not all, is emotional pain. Most adulterous relationships are also rooted in painful emotions that we are hoping someone outside our marriage can eliminate. So, as we strive against sin, we must also address the pain factor that often motivates our sinful responses or we may remain in an endless loop of battle with controlled behavior and defeat. A person suffering from bulimia usually manifests a predictable thought pattern before acting out on her compulsion. Something triggers her lie-based thinking with feelings of unrest, anxiety, depression, abandonment, fear, or some other inner turmoil. Regardless of whether she is consciously aware of these feelings, they prompt her to shift into the pain-managing routine she has developed, eating until the emotions subside. But after she has completely gorged herself, her feelings change to self-loathing and shame for the binge. These prompt her to act out another pain-managing routine, and she purges herself of the food.

Principle Eight: Performance-Based Spirituality Is Not True Spirituality

Prior to this ministry, I only knew how to deny pain and "claim victory" by faith. I experienced temporary victory, as long as I expended great effort. The truth is that my bad feelings were exposing the flaws in my belief structure. Only as I am willing to acknowledge what I feel and expose my false thinking, am I able to know a more consistent victory. For most of my Christian life I have been instructed by others to just believe God, stand on the truth and act contrary to my feelings. Today, this is exactly what I try to do except for the feeling part. I no longer see denial of what I feel as some measure of victory or spirituality. Even lost people can deny feelings and many do as good if not better than most believers. Denial and suppression of emotion is not spiritual, it is merely controlled behavior. Years ago when I would counsel people about their emotional crisis I made statements such as, "Don't trust your emotions," "Deny what you feel and act on the truth," and "Act your way into a new way of feeling." The problem with this line of thinking is that it denies why we feel what we feel and thus keeps out lie-based thinking in place. Those who are able to discipline themselves into acting against their feelings (usually not the most deeply wounded) are often regarded as "spiritual." But performance-based spirituality is not true spirituality. True spirituality is experiencing God's power in us and being able to act appropriately in any present moment, because our minds are at rest as a consequence of what Jesus has done. We can walk in perfect peace in chaotic circumstances when our old, tormenting lies have been replaced with God's truth and the indwelling Christ is freely operating within us. I believe that we can know His joy and peace in every circumstance when we know His truth experientially. The Apostle Paul told us to rejoice in the Lord, always and at all times (Philippians 4:4) and "May the Lord of peace Himself grant you peace in every circumstance" (2 Thessalonians 3:16). It is often suggested that these passages teach obedient choice in the face of contrary emotion. We should simply choose to be joyful even when we do not feel joy, and calm when we do not feel calm. Some people teach that if you keep doing this in the face of emotional opposition, at some point the contrary emotion will lay down in defeat and transform into something more pleasant. Obedience entails pushing through the bad feelings you really feel in the moment and making yourself feel something else. However, choosing to rejoice is not the same as feeling joyful. The joy of the Lord is not a choice I make, but rather what I have when I walk experientially in His truth. We cannot make ourselves feel joyful. Either we have joy or we don't. If we don't then there is a problem. I want to suggest that the problem often is found in what we believe. The problem is that joy and peace are both fruits of the Holy Spirit, and we cannot produce either on our own. I would say that they are both outcomes of our experiential belief, naturally flowing by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. If they are not flowing, it is probable that lies are stifling them.

Principle Nine: When We Receive Truth from God in Memories Where We Harbored Lie-Based Thoughts, We Can Walk in Effortless Victory in These Areas

I sometimes use the phrases "maintenance-free victory" and "effortless victory." This principle is sometimes misunderstood. I am not saying that if we have a session or two of TPM we will suddenly be free of all difficulties. Our Christian life is filled with struggles and we will only reach sinless perfection in eternity. But when we know His truth experientially where lies were harbored, the pain that those particular lies produced can be completely eradicated. Lies are dispelled one-by-one, memory-by-memory. Every believer can know a victory that is fully empowered by the indwelling presence of Christ, free of striving and accomplished through resting in Him in specific areas where true renewal has occurred. When the Spirit of Christ brings truth into my thinking, He replaces the lie with truth, and I find genuine release and peace where I once only knew pain. When the pain produced by these lies is resolved, any behavior that this pain motivated can also cease. The areas of our minds that are renewed with truth will no longer be stirred up with lie-based pain. Since our emotional pain is a primary motivator for our inappropriate behavior, we should be able to walk in a more consistent victory in these specific places. Experiencing the truth frees us to walk in "newness of life" (Romans 6:4) so that we might experientially agree with the Apostle Paul who declared, "Do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness [the very thing we tend to do when emotionally stirred up and in pain]; but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God [which is effortless when we are walking in the truth and peace of the Holy Spirit]" (Romans 6:12-13, bracketed words mine).

Principle Ten: Only an Encounter with the Presence of Jesus through the Holy Spirit Can Free Us from the Lies We Believe

God desires that we come to Him dependent and devoid of any hope of self-deliverance. The Apostle Paul declared, "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me" (Galatians 2:20). Much of what we call spirituality or Christian maturity is behavior that any lost person could probably achieve if he just set his mind to it. Of course, we should desire to live out what is pleasing to God. Yet the victory God most desires is accomplished by Him in us as we willingly submit to him and rely on Him to bring it about. When we try to live in victory through self-effort and hard work, we will eventually fail. Christ in us, not self-effort, is our power to overcome. As we experience the emotional pain in memories, we realize that we are helpless, trapped in our emotional bondage, and cannot make the pain go away. This is how people in the New Testament were when Jesus healed them physically: needy and helpless. It is how Paul found himself when Jesus spoke truth into his painful circumstance: "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Paul then stated, "Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me" (2 Corinthians 12:9). Theophostic Prayer Ministry simply encourages people to listen as the Lord reveals His truth to their hearts and minds. Of course, bible study, teaching and preaching are important, but apart from the intervention of the Holy Spirit we cannot fully know truth. Jesus said that when "the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all the truth" (John 16:13). There is a vast difference between learning about God cognitively and encountering him relationally. Both are important, but one without the other will fall short. Head knowledge has little or no impact on a person unless the Holy Spirit delivers it to the heart. In 2 Timothy 2:24-26, the Apostle Paul advised: "The Lord's bond-servant must … be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will."

Principle Eleven: We Are in Emotional Bondage Due to Two Basic Factors – Belief and Choice

Belief and choice are foundational to everything we do. People tend to make choices based on what they really believe, not on what they wish they believed or say they believe. The belief system that has us stuck is primarily rooted in our experiences. What we learn from experience is much more influential in our decision making than what we have learned passively through study or instruction. It is impossible to fully and wholeheartedly embrace a belief that is contrary to our experience. We will struggle to the degree that our experiential knowledge conflicts with our logical truth. Even if we choose to act contrary to this belief, there will be an element of doubt. Behaving the truth by sheer will may slowly erode negative experiential beliefs we hold and result in a measure of victory. The concept of "acting your way into a new way of thinking" may have some merit, because the new experience based on truth will offset the old experience to some degree and gradually renew our minds in this area. However, it is even more blessed to intentionally revisit a painful memory where we have embraced falsehood, receive a personalized word from the Lord, and have the old belief entirely removed in a single moment. God has chosen to limit Himself when it comes to the human will. What often stands between us and the good things God offers us is what we believe and the choices we make based on that belief. Here we have a conflict. We may want to be free of the emotional pain in our lives and say that we will take responsibility for it and go wherever we need to in order to find freedom. However, the difference between saying something and doing it has everything to do with our will. What we will is what we do. Often people declare with all their heart, "God, I want to be free! I am willing to feel the pain and know the truth of what happened to me" and yet they cannot get there. They will say with complete sincerity that they want to move forward but they feel blocked. They honestly do not know what to do to change the situation, consciously speaking. Although they want to be free and are choosing to go as far as they have come, they are also making a choice not to go any further. They want to be free but are unwilling to go through the pain. It has been my experience that when people get "stuck" in the ministry process and later move forward to freedom, it is because they eventually made the choice to do so. No matter what was involved in their blockage (demons, dissociation, anger, amnesia, repression, etc.) it is always their choice that moves them forward. I know what it feels like to want to break through in my own personal times of ministry, but to hit a wall. I have desired to be free, to feel, and to know, without being able to go forward. Nevertheless, in every case when I chose to, I was able to find my way clear. Nothing can keep people from moving toward freedom other than their own choosing. Choice is always resting on belief; we choose based upon what we believe. There is an entire chapter dedicated to this principle in the 2007 Basic Seminar Manual.

Principle Twelve: The Written Word of God is the Standard for Validating What Occurs in Ministry

Theophostic Prayer Ministry is a system for doing ministry based upon specific biblical principles, and we use the written Word of God to validate what people hear from the Lord. It is my personal belief that the Bible is the inspired Word of God and is "profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness" (2 Timothy 3:16). It is timeless and relevant for all circumstances and the fullness of God's divine inspired revelation to man. What happens in a Theophostic Prayer Ministry session has the potential of going astray just as in any other counseling or ministry setting. Therefore, the ministry facilitator should be well-equipped in "rightly handling the Word of truth" and identifying what is consistent with the Bible and that which is not. The facilitator should draw attention to any false messages.

Principle Thirteen: Lie-based pain can only be removed as lies are replaced with truth, whereas the only remedy for sin-based pain is the cross of Jesus Christ.

All people are born into sin as a corporate consequence of Adam's sin: "Sin came into the world through one man, and death came through sin, and so death spread to all because all have sinned" (Romans 5:12 NRSV). All people make conscious, willful choices to sin at some point in their lives, which separate them from God: "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23 NRSV). Apart from the cross of Christ there is no remedy for sin: "Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sin" (Hebrews 9:22 NRSV). People do not overcome sin by their hard work, but by appropriating the completed work of Christ on the cross: "Are you so foolish? Having started with the Spirit, are you to be perfected by the flesh?" (Galatians 3:3 NRSV). Any effort to escape sin apart from relying on Christ is self-righteousness. Sin is dealt with through several basic steps. God's Word exposes our wrongdoing through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and our right response is to confess, or agree with God (1 John 1:9) that what we have done is indeed sinful and unbecoming of a saint (Ephesians 5:3). God then may grant us repentance (change of thinking) (2 Timothy 2:25) so we can turn toward God, submit to Him, and experience His indwelling power to live rightly.

Principle Fourteen: Mind Renewal Is a Lifelong Process

I have never met anyone who seems to be walking in perfect knowledge and understanding of God's truth. We all have a distance to go in terms of mind renewal, and total release of all lie-based thinking is not even possible within our lifetime. All of us have many lies harbored in our minds and pick up additional lies along the way. If we choose not to cooperate with what God is doing through exposing our false beliefs and seeking His truth, we will remain in bondage. The truth is, we will complete this mind-renewal journey at one of two places; either when we die or when the Lord returns. Keep in mind that Theophostic Prayer Ministry is not based on a formula but on principles and techniques that are to be applied in the Lord's timing as He guides each ministry session. Your skill in administering the Theophostic Prayer Ministry process will depend upon your understanding of these principles, your ability to apply the techniques you will learn, and upon the amount of experience you gain in applying them.

For more information visit www.theophostic.com.

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