The media is full of human interest pieces on the impact of the recession on our sex lives. It's good that this is being talked about and I'm sure it improves their ratings. I'm just not hearing any helpful suggestions. Telling everyone they need to make time for sex with our partners sounds good but if it was that simple there really wouldn't be a problem. In fact, it should be easier when we don't have a good job competing for our attention. The truth is that there is sex and then their is the great sex we all want. I guess we are all capable of having sex because we are told to, but I don't think that's the kind we want. And if we don't want it, it really shouldn't happen. Sex is intimate adult play time. It's hard to get into a playful mood when so much of what makes us feel good about ourselves is crumbling, or in danger of crumbling, all around us. Great sex is that marvelous time when we feel and act from our souls, from places we can't always respect in our modern lives. Best of all, we do it with someone who accepts and enjoys this part of us. We just can't go there if we aren't sure. It is particularly hard when our partner is an integral part of our lives. If they don't accept us the way we are, then, well, we just don't want to know. Humans are hard on ourselves. We've all been hurt in relationships and we want to avoid that pain more than we want to feel good.

So what can we do for our partner?

Make sure your partner knows you love and respect them even when things aren't looking so good. Understand their panic and balance it with the knowledge that you aren't going anywhere. It isn't just their problem, it's your problem too. Primary bread winners are likely to go into a self-protector role and push every one away. They can't rely on anyone else, particularly when they are so worthless. If your eyes and your actions don't tell them otherwise, you can say goodbye to great sex.

What can you do for yourself?

It is so much easier to be compassionate with someone we admire and want to be with. Particularly in a crisis, it is harder to extend that compassion to ourselves. Be fair with yourself. You know you have always done the best you could manage in each situation. That doesn't mean you always did what someone else might call the "right" thing. It just means you did your best to balance all of the demands placed on you with your own needs. Some choices work out great, some don't. Rarely does it work out the way we think. Accept that and appreciate yourself for doing the best you can. Especially if you have issues around sex because of trauma, or just bad sexual experiences. Recognizing and owning up to our partner that our problem with being sexual with them is about our history and not about them, can go a long way in reviving intimacy.

In Practice

Regardless of your situation, o out of your way to show respect and appreciation for each other. In this tumultuous world, we all need it. And studies have shown that great sex is impossible if you don't feel respected by our partner. We are pulled to it. When we find it, we can feel good about ourselves again. Maybe we can even start to play again.