It is not that I don't want to or that the doctor doesn't try, but it is that my body won't let me.  The doctor keeps giving me more and more medicine and I keep looking at him as if to say "why do you even try?"  I know I can't, he knows I can't and as for the pain, I have had soooo much more, I know my body can take the pain, but we do the dance anyway every three months...what fun. 

You may think I am completely off topic here and I might be, but I wanted to point out the ways that we suffer as kids that have been abused and how that transfers to adulthood. 

1. I am having problems that are direct descendents from my youth...that is obvious.

2. I want to treat those problems, but I don't really know how, my fear stands in my way.

3. If I fear going to sleep in my doctor's office, is there any hope for me?  He is the one person I should trust. 

I am going to our Dallas conference with a positive mind and I plan to be able to be able to relax into a meditative state when I get back....sometimes it is just the baby steps that pull you through.