Life Beyond Seminars Forum

Life Beyond Trauma Forum

Emotions

Hiddeninside

10/17/2009 3:32:29 PM

I know that with DID comes the missing time, and usually I am pretty good at keeping track of what has been going on. Stupid as this sounds I don't care about a few missing hours so long as I know that whoever has been out has been safe. But recently I have been really disorientated and confused all the time, I am forgetting stupid things like where I am or how to type. I don't know what is happening and I am scared. I wish that I had a therapist but I don't, and I can't risk exposure to a professional for fear of loosing everything that I am working towards. Any ideas? Because I don't feel i can do this a whole lot longer

Communication

OhWowMelody

10/17/2009 4:44:08 PM

How much communication do you have inside? When things like that are going on after being relatively stable, it usually means there is something going on that you are not aware of. Either there is someone doing something triggering to you or around you, or a new memory or a new part is surfacing. The most important thing you can do is to find a way to communicate with whoever is coming out. So, journal, draw, or meditate, or even just get into a comfortable position, lie quietly and listen start asking "Okay, guys, what's going on here? I need your help!" and listen for responses. Basically you have to have a "team meeting" and see if you can get some help sorting out what is going on.

Confusion

charlenereeves

2/14/2010 12:39:12 PM

I am somewhat like HiddenInside. I know because of what others have said but not having any skills I don't want to communicate with anyone at present.

I get it

OhWowMelody

2/14/2010 12:56:34 PM

I completely understand that feeling! God, listening inside and actually hearing what others are saying can really be confusing and unsettling. Its important to do it a slow pace and to have plenty of support for yourself. Having a group of people you can communicate with, who get what you are going through is really important. You can post here, and you have built in support group. There are other places online, too. But its even better if you have friends or other support people you can safely share with about it. Though, be careful who you share it with, because some people don't really understand.

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Sexuality

Wanting to feel sexual

OhWowMelody

10/11/2009 2:04:51 PM

For a lot of us its hard to want to feel sexual after being abused sexually. If we are in a relationship it can be hard on both of us. I know that for many years I hard ever even felt interested in sex. I know now its because I didn't feel safe enough in my relationships to really allow up all the feelings that came with sexual touch. That doesn't mean my partners were not "safe" (although I'm sure some of them weren't) it's more that I didn't feel safe enough myself to let up those feelings. I was too afraid of them. Once I did start letting those feelings of terror, anger, pain, hopelessness, etc. up then I could finally feel the good stuff. Its hard work though and it required that me to find someone willing to help me face them.

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Dissociation

I am ready to give my story

Hiosilver

9/30/2009 9:52:28 AM

I am so sorry I haven't been here. I have been taking care of the baby after I got rid of my bronchitis from hell. I have my story written in a completely positive manner. I am including a brief history of my abuse, no details at all. The rest is how I was when I first started therapy, what my therapists taught me and the skills I gained thru my years of therapy to bring me to today. I know I won't have enough time to give all my skills, I may have to do more in another conference. I want to tell you how proud I am of myself, the peace I have been able to gain thru using my skills comes thru loud and clear. I am currently down to 5 parts. Take care and pray for me, I speak at 2:30 on Saturday. Susie and crew

You were awesome!

OhWowMelody

10/17/2009 4:45:37 PM

I didn't get to listen in, but the people who where there were really touched by your story and your courage. You are an amazing woman! Thank you for being a part of the first Life Beyond Trauma Conference!!!

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Diagnosis and Treatment

dialectical behavioural training...

LauraLee

9/28/2009 4:26:46 AM

Anyone ever work with this and does it work? What works best for dissociation? EMDR? Cognitive? I'm looking for something that will help me a little more, what would that be, in your experience?

DBT

OhWowMelody

9/28/2009 4:38:16 AM

I've not been trained specifically in this but it is a fantastic tool for when you are really having a hard time. It can help in a big way with self destructive behaviors and learning to trust. Along with other techniques, I think its one of the best. Its basically a form of cognitive therapy combined with mindfulness techniques and behavioral programs to keep you safe. EMDR is good for specific instances of trauma to work on if you have enough information about a specific incident. Cognitive is great short term, and in conjunction with other techniques. Its like a band aid though if its all you use. Steven Vasquez's ETT is amazing. I've had a few sessions and it totally ERASED some major issue for me. It revolutionary and will be the way trauma work is done in the future.

DBT

charlenereeves

2/14/2010 12:41:07 PM

DBT is one of the tools that saved my life. I think it is wonderful. EMDR was another.

It's amazing what is out there now

OhWowMelody

2/14/2010 12:58:45 PM

Both DBT (a behavioral approach) and EMDR have proven to be really great for settling down those self destructive impulses and calming our anxieties. ETT is something else, like the next step beyond them both. Very powerful, and yet gentle work.

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Dissociation

Is there anything that your dissociation stops you from doing?

LauraLee

9/27/2009 7:17:43 PM

I won't drive long distances because I have terrible road hypnosis. Anyone else?

Driving

OhWowMelody

9/28/2009 4:42:29 AM

Oh, yeah, especially when I am doing routine driving. I remember a few years ago when I was driving the same way to work every day. I would sometimes pass the turn off 3-5 times before being able to make my exit! Driving home from work I would go on autopilot and look around and suddenly have no idea where I am!!

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Dissociation

How do you deal with your dissociation?

LauraLee

9/22/2009 8:30:57 AM

It seems so hard sometimes to deal with DID, the therapists have their ideas on things, but they don't work all the time, so how do you deal with dissociation?

Art Therapy

pepper09mos

9/22/2009 11:44:13 PM

We deal with our dissociation by using all kinds of art. Many of our parts/insiders do different kinds of art: beading and making jewelry and bookmarks, drawing, coloring, working with clay, collages, journaling, playing games on computer, etc. That is enuf for now. Pepper09mos

I like this

OhWowMelody

9/28/2009 4:40:44 AM

Art of all kinds has helped me so much. Poetry, drawing, collage work and journalling... even writing stories. But the thing that helps the most for me is being able to be real about it with my partner. Having him know and support me in experiencing what is going on inside without judgment has been a huge help.

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Dissociation

How do you deal with your dissociation?

LauraLee

9/22/2009 6:45:46 AM

It seems so hard sometimes to deal with DID, the therapists have their ideas on things, but they don't work all the time, so how do you deal with dissociation?

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Self-Destruction

Sometimes the urges get too much...

Hiddeninside

9/21/2009 4:35:37 PM

Hi I have been trying to stop self harming. I have been cut free for 383 days (but who's counting right??) and overdose free for about 2.5 months. However I am getting really distressed by new memories and by university stress and other things in my life and things are getting too much for me. I have tried writing poetry and talking to those close to me but they don't really understand and seem to be...disappointed in me for considering c*tting as an option again. I don't know what to do xx

Cutting releases endorphins

OhWowMelody

9/21/2009 4:54:49 PM

The problem is that it's addictive! People who cut are more in danger of actually accidentally killing themselves than suicidal people are! It also draws attention to your wounding in ways that can really screw up your life. So its important for your continued life that you find alternative ways to manage the feelings. Its hard when you don't have support and the feelings can be so overwhelming. But the feelings really won't kill you and eventually they do end (in spite of what inside may be telling you). One method some of my clients have used to manage the impulses is to get a red pen and write loving messages to yourself on your body where you want to cut, or sit and write loving things to your inside people how much you appreciate how hard they are working to keep you sane.

Some of them cut too

Hiddeninside

9/21/2009 5:52:22 PM

We have tried writing each other cards when things get bad. I tend to find that writing is a better release for me personally but I can't talk for anyone else. This is one of my poems... I'm going to scream But who gives a shit You say that you care But thats about it How can things be right When everythings wrong? You say that I'll cope But I'm not that strong You say you can help You say you will stay You say I'll be fine But I can't live this way I need you to be there For me all the time Not just when I'm normal Is that such a crime? I need you to tell me That I'm not that bad I need you to tell me I'm not going mad I need you to tell me That you will be strong I need you beside me When it all goes so wrong I'm going to SCREAM But who gives a shit You all say that you care But thats about it Copyrighted and all that to me. I am trying very hard to keep from returning to old habits but it is getting almost unbearable. I can't focus. I'm scared. I just want the past to be..not so complicated.

Some of them cut too

Hiddeninside

9/21/2009 5:59:33 PM

foreverlostinaus

9/21/2009 11:30:55 PM

i think your poem is awesome. it gets to the heart of how you feel. im in a place right now where self-harm is a daily thing for me. it has become a part of me as a person and im not sure even if ill ever be seperate from it again. But what i was going to say to you is that you have an awesome strenbgth within you even now, because the fact that you are abe to stop yourself from doing it either by writing it out or going for a walk or writing on yurself with red ink or holing ice or flicking an elstic band, or whatever it is that works for you, I just wanted to say that i admire the courage and strength you have. Keep going. I know a few people who have been abe to stop for good so i know it can be done, and after more than a ear, ou are well on your way. Just remember, like i say to everyone i know who does this, if you are trying to stop, and you slip up, dont let it get you down. You will get there eventually,you cant expect to be perfect from the start. I hope you are doing well.

A year and it gets harder

Hiddeninside

9/22/2009 3:22:47 PM

I am finding that even after a year I am thinking about cutting a lot more than I want to. I want to be able to think about other ways of coping. I want to be able to look at sharp objects without thinking how well they would work. I hate my life. It was so much easier when I could cut :'(

Not cutting

OhWowMelody

9/22/2009 8:41:12 PM

yea, its like any addiction, it feels so much better in the short run.... sorry! Having the courage to not do it means being willing to feel that which doesn't feel all that great.... but ultimately it can get you to feeling so much better... it the fact that it takes so long to get to the good part that makes it so hard... I admire your courage!

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Relationships

Finally figuring it out

OhWowMelody

9/7/2009 5:13:44 PM

I'v been married three times (ouch!). Not something to brag about, but then again, maybe it just took me three tries to get to a place where I could see what my part in all this is and how to make it work. While I still see that it's likely my first two would not have worked out, I am able to see every piece that was my part in the failures. I picked my first husband because I thought he loved me. Not because I loved him so much, not that he wasn't lovable, in many ways I did love him. I just wasn't really "in love" with him. But he was even more injured than I. Sad to say I had no ability to work through my own wounds enough to be present for his. I just had to walk away. My second husband, I married because he was so much fun and he seemed to be really in love with me. But as it turned out he was in love with the idea of me and had no real picture of who I was... but then again, how could he? I had no idea who I was and certainly couldn't have shown him, much too frightening. He was just as wounded in his own ways. I couldn't have been present enough with myself to be present for him. Only now, after years of therapy and figuring out the Cycles model, do I finally get to see behind the mask of the game we all get locked into at birth. Its a stupid, egocentric cycle that locks us into these distancing battles and prevents us from not only knowing who we are but from connecting with others. Its not easy to connect with others. Human beings have a hard wired response to trauma that sets us up to keep each other at bay in order to attempt to prevent future harm. Of course, all that does is cause more harm! Today, I am so happy to see through the mask of the cycle. To see Mike for who he is, even when he is snapping at me, angry and bitter at times. That's his self protective mask and we both know it. Only now, we both work to overcome the egocentric cycle that our brains keep trying to pull us back into. What a relief!

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Diagnosis and Treatment

How many diagnosis have you had?

OhWowMelody

9/5/2009 5:59:52 PM

I know I started out with the PTSD diagnosis in the first years. Then I got, Depression, and then DDnos, and most recently Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But, funny thing, once that happened I started recognizing more parts of myself that had been dissociated and have been blending with them. The more blended I am the less anxiety is a problem. Maybe the real problem was all these parts needing to be together with me. Pretty cool. I wonder if I had been diagnosed in the '70's if they would have put me on Lithium like everyone else, including my mother (who was eventually taken off and got the Bipolar disorder diagnosis removed). What about you? What diagnosis have you had?

I was one of the lucky ones...

LauraLee

9/7/2009 4:38:09 PM

I was diagnosed as MPD (as it was known back then), and now DID (as it is known now) almost immediately upon starting counseling. I was 5 months into counseling when I was diagnosed and I have yet to have anyone disagree with the diagnosis. Guess that is what I am and forevermore shall be!

Lucky to know

OhWowMelody

9/21/2009 9:23:17 AM

Laura, you are lucky to know. So many people spend YEARS trying to find out what is going on with them and being told its all biochemical and being stuck on meds that make you worse. So if there is something to be grateful for, its that you found out right away. I guess, I did too, because my first diagnosis was PTSD, which I believe to be the main diagnosis for the majority of the "mental illnesses" in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. Its only a matter of time before the rest of the world figures out how smart I am :)

Too afraid to tell anyone...

Hiddeninside

9/21/2009 3:52:45 PM

I am far too afraid to tell anyone. I haven't dared to tell anyone, because when I said that I heard voices from inside sometimes my life was essentially destroyed. I was suspended from school, after being told I was unfit to do my clinical placements. It nearly killed me. Since I have been back through the system twice. The first time I was told that I was just experiencing flashbacks and I was fine. The second time I was told that I have a persistant mood disorder, that might be rediagnosed as bipolar in a couple of years (and remember this doesn't make the psyche wrong as she made sure she emphasised to me!!) As far as I can tell from reading and researching this is the only "diagnosis" that would make sense. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. In a way I want to be wrong. I don't want to be like this. So you can tell me I'm a fraud and to get off this site... Just... Please... I'm not trying to fool anyone. I want to get help with whatever it is that's wrong with me.

Understandable

OhWowMelody

9/21/2009 4:03:14 PM

Nobody would choose this diagnosis. After all, wouldn't it be easier to just take a pill? You don't sound like someone making it up. There is nothing to be ashamed of, in spite of your getting suspended from school. But if you are DID then you need help. I don't know where you live but if you go to http://www.isst-d.org/ they can give you a list of therapists who are familiar with it and help you in lots of ways. If there is no one on the list close to where you live see if someone around you is trained in Internal Family Systems, Hakomi, or Somatic Integrative Therapy because they are all people who understand dissociation. I'm sorry its been such a tough road for you. I hope you have people around you for support who can reinforce that you are not "crazy" just hurt!!!

Different on this side of the pond

Hiddeninside

9/21/2009 4:27:13 PM

I am UK based. The way that it works at least in my area, is that you contact your family Dr, they assess you and refer you to the mental health team. The mental health team then assesses you and refers you to counsellors, psychologists or psychiatrists. The first time round when I saw a psychiatrist she didn't notice that different people attended her sessions, only commented (so I'm told) that we were more assertive, or aggressive or confident etc. From what I have seen over here DID is not really recognised and yet they frequently mention it in University. I am so afraid of loosing my university course again, I am just starting my last year, and having fought so hard and kept the symptoms hidden for so long I don't know how or who to be honest with. Yes I know that I need help/therapy/counselling to deal with what happened and the associated issues, I just don't know where to go or how to be safe doing it.

UK is different

OhWowMelody

9/21/2009 4:42:29 PM

I know the UK is different, but there are people on the ISST website from the UK. Plus Steven Bevan of AMOSA is in the UK (he's one of our speakers) and he might know some one to refer you to, also. I'll ask him to respond to your post.

Sorry

Hiddeninside

9/21/2009 4:46:40 PM

The ones I looked at, when I had a quick look through, seemed to all be in the UK. I wish I was closer to be able to come to the conference in Dallas!

scared to

foreverlostinaus

9/21/2009 9:10:56 PM

I am also too scared to let this side of us be known. My therapist is the only person who ever sees an inside person but they dont know it, because we dont tell. All my inside people know to answer to and give out my name. But there is only one inside person who is up to dealing with the stress of counselling so she takes over and deals with the counsellor. So i have never had a diagnosis of anything to do with DID. I have been diagnosed with a whole heap of other stuff though, like psychotic depression, PTSD, borderline PD, and schizophrenia depending on who you ask. I wish i could let people lke my doctor know sometimes but its too hard, and if i tell him any more 'symptoms' he'll start to think im makinbg it up i know.

Whose really crazy?

OhWowMelody

9/21/2009 10:28:13 PM

What's crazy is that Dr's don't want to acknowledge a disorder that is listed in their own diagnostic manual. Why is it politically incorrect to assign a diagnosis that is treatable with appropriate therapy? It's so frustrating. If you trust your therapist at all maybe you could let one alter talk to him about their fears of not being believed? If your therapist is not on board with being able to treat the condition you have maybe you could find one that is! Even if they are not experts in it, if they are compassionate and understanding an trustworthy they can be a LOT of help.

trust

foreverlostinaus

9/21/2009 11:23:12 PM

trust is incredibly hard.

yeah, trust

OhWowMelody

9/22/2009 8:39:37 PM

Trust has all kind of levels, I think. There is the level where you trust someone to show up and keep their word. Then there is trusting that they won't hurt you. Then there is trusting they will respond empathetically and believe what you say. But if you don't extend trust to some extent, you never find out if the person is trustworthy.

sorry.

foreverlostinaus

10/3/2009 5:58:12 AM

trust does have different levels, but when i cant even trust my therapist to turn up to the appointment they made for me, then how can i trust them with anything i can hardly trust myself to talk about? Im sorry, im not meaning this to turn into a vent, but im just frustrated. i live in an isolated area and have only one option for treatment, and it isnt reliable. It makes trust, which i have a hard enough time with anyway, even harder. I want to be able to tell my therapist the things i need to, like about the others inside and they want to talk about things too, but i just cant let them because it is too risky... i just know that they will be let down and i dont want them to hurt anymore, like i dont want to hurt anymore. Its why i have never been diagnosed because i cant find anyone trustworthy enough to talk about things with. And i dont want the others to develop a trusting relationship only to be hurt again and again like i have been. I am sure there are people out there who are trustworthy, i just havent found any yet. Im sorry this is a bad post. You can delete it if you want. it serves no purpose i know. Sorry.

Makes sense

OhWowMelody

10/11/2009 1:50:19 PM

Sorry its been so long. We had our conference last weekend and I've been recovering! Not showing up for a scheduled appointment can happen once in a while even to the best therapist... but when its a habit its certainly not someone you could feel safe with! I don't blame you for feeling frustrated. I know people in areas that are not even that isolated who have difficulty connecting with a therapist. That doesn't mean its not possible or not worth the effort. Under all the chatter inside, if you can ask everyone to settle down and listen, there is a part of us that can direct our choices and help us get the help we need. Try asking every one to settle down inside and ask for help in discovering what you could do. It may seem weird, but it can really work.

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Chronic Physical Problems

How many of us deal with auto immune problems?

OhWowMelody

9/5/2009 5:55:09 PM

I don't know how much of my own auto immune issues are trauma related or if they are more hormone related. No matter how much therapy I do, it doesn't seem to get better. But of course everyone wants to blame the problems on my "issues" not being "healed". I just have to deal with the problems the best ways I can think of and trust that my higher self has some reason for sending me this particular challenge.

The residue of trauma is REAL

mike beyond

9/6/2009 11:39:40 AM

Expecting all of your immune system problems to go away as you learn to live again is kind of like expecting the scars on someone who cuts to magically disappear. We can change how we see the world and how we experience it. Its a slow and often painful process, but it happens. We can change the context of our lives. At first, with the cognitive band aid that helps us feel safe so we can eventually "re-experience" or reframe past trauma in today's context. But it doesn't necessarily work that way for our biological systems. The T-Cells that learned to react to your favorite spice in a time of stress are much harder to retrain.

Tons of them

LauraLee

9/21/2009 8:10:47 AM

I have lived with autoimmune issues for quite some time and I believe that they are totally related to the abuse that I had in my youth. The body remembers. I honestly believe that the body remembers.

Not sure

OhWowMelody

9/21/2009 9:20:34 AM

I know that there were a lot of stresses happening at the time I got sickest, and there were real events that contributed. (I was poisoned by methylpentane - carpet glue) from my office in 2001) But I also know that I was already compromised with asthma and environmental sensitivities. Its confusing because I have done SOOOOOO much work on myself to still have these issues!! I don't think its clear cut, but certainly I believe our bodies are connected to our minds. Steven Vasquez believes he can sort all the physical problems out by using his methods. I've had a few sessions with him and they have been amazing. I'd like to have more, but its extremely expensive. So... I'll have to wait until things change to be able to jump in again.

Autoimmune Disease

charlenereeves

2/14/2010 12:45:43 PM

I am struggling with a diagnosis of RA awaiting on blood confirmation. Can someone help me understand this? Trauma and DID is sending me into outer space.

Autoimmune

OhWowMelody

2/14/2010 1:03:49 PM

From what I understand our bodies respond to all the stress by sending out all kinds of hormones, adrenalin, thyroid, endorphins, and all this causes our female hormones to go out of whack, which wreaks havoc on our immune system. Thus the autoimmune disorders result. And depending on our genetic make up, the extent and type of abuse we have, the symptoms show up in different ways. I'm working with an OB/GYN who uses what's known as the Wiley Protocol, there are docs who do this all over the country. You can go to http://www.thewileyprotocol.com/ to find a physician using the protocol, and learn more about it.

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Emotions

Living with anxiety

OhWowMelody

9/5/2009 5:32:44 PM

One of the most debilitating and overwhelming aspects of living with trauma is the pervasive anxiety that seems to dominate our lives. It was only in the past few years (in spite of years of therapy) that I realized anxiety was had been driving a lot of my worst behaviors. Even when I was and a real "party girl" it was in service to the underlying anxiety. I masked it really well and only when someone finally described to me what Generalized Anxiety Disorder was did I understand that what I had been feeling all these years was anxiety and not depression. Anxiety caused me to do a lot of stupid things and think badly of myself. Learning to self sooth is not easy. The usual tips of Mediation and "slowing down" seem to be the hardest thing to do. The things that have helped me the most are 1) acceptance of myself 2) finding creative outlets 3) connecting in quiet time with my husband with no distractions. What works for you or doesn't work?

what works for me?

foreverlostinaus

9/21/2009 11:37:49 PM

Im a creative person, so i try to really get into whatever artwork im working on at the time and this helps because i find i can get lost int he actions of creating that particular peice and so i can get a breif break from the anxiety. I also have a few pets and these help a whole heap too. I often find that if im feeling a bit anxious over something (like an upcoming therapist apointment for eg) I take my dog for a walk and it distracts me from the anxiety. She isnt well trained so is a hard dog to walk and it keeps my mind busy as well as my body. I think thats the key, is to find something that occupies both your mind and body away from the anxiety.

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